In 2016, I went to Los Angeles to see Eat, Pray, Love’s Elizabeth Gilbert. It was a workshop with a few hundred people. I was pleasantly surprised that it was less of a talk and more of a working group. She had us all do an exercise where we chose a personality trait of ours and wrote a letter from the trait to ourselves. I chose persistence.
Gilbert chose three people to read their letters out loud. I was one of them. I described how my persistence was tired of giving so much, only to be overlooked in preference for creativity.
After hearing my letter, Gilbert smiled and said, “Maybe your creativity and persistence need to work together.”
At the time, I did not take her advice to heart. Instead, I let persistence drive me completely. That drive brought me to Ukraine, Argentina, Chile, Jordan, and Colombia. It helped me write over 1,000 articles for various employers. It enabled me to buy a house in my dream town, take a year of Ukrainian lessons, and go to NYU for grad school.
I loved the journey, but by the time I finished my first semester at NYU, I was exhausted. I had every resource at my fingertips, every advantage I ever wanted, and a perfect GPA. However, despite being my go-to character trait, my persistence was running me into the ground.
During my first NYU semester, I thought a lot about how I got started as a writer. It was a blog checking off items of a bucket list, titled Melissa’s 100 List. I remembered how happy and carefree I was and how my writing felt purposeful and powerful back then. I still love writing, but it’s been a long time since a personal project has brought me that much joy.
I decided to do another list, but there was one big problem. How could I do a massive “bucket” list on top of school and work? I considered doing it over the span of two years but had the same problem. I knew I’d end up exhausted, and the work I delivered wouldn’t meet the expectations I had for myself.
So, I ditched the timeline and just focused on the fulfillment aspect. What was I doing this all for? What did I actually want?
I wrote a list with that in mind. I thought about travel and writing. I made a list of my financial goals. I focused on my need to decrease screen time and find balance. I zeroed in on my desire for greatness. I went over all the hobbies I’ve picked up in the last few years and chose the ones I felt brought me the most joy. I got spiritual and dug deep.
The scariest parts were the unknowns. What about my daughter? The one I’ve always felt I’d eventually have but never found the partner for? The dreams of living abroad? How difficult would it be to accept that, as a 36-year-old, for some goals, I had run out of time?
I don’t have the answer for that yet but the list I ended with brought forward a long-forgotten trait – hope. I know that’s cheesy, but it’s my hope that with some kind of compass to lead me through what is a pivotal era of my life, I can continue to live with purpose – and finally let persistence and creativity have the partnership they deserve. The list is a huge challenge, but to quote the late Kobe Bryant, “Everything negative — pressure, challenges — is all an opportunity for me to rise.”